Category Archives: Love and Relationships

Let yourself…

image

Let yourself hurt someone.

Let yourself be hurt. Feel hurt. Express it.

Let someone think the worst of you. Feel let down by you. Feel as if you’ve thrown them away.

Let your heart break as you walk away.

Let them feel that you’re the one that broke them.

Let someone think that you’re damaged. That you’re selfish. That you’re the problem.

Fear missing them.

Fear making a mistake.

Second-guess your motives.

Pray.

Cry.

Sleep.

Think.

Move forward. One day at a time.

Love yourself. Hug yourself.

Think of them. Pray for them. Bless them.

Wish them all the love you had and more.

 

You can do hard things.

When You’re In Love With Someone That Doesn’t Exist

During my morning commute to work I was listening to some music and found myself doing what I often do…. Daydream. I let the sound of sexy male vocals and a smooth heart-thumping beat to carry into my ideal love life. Where my guy is tall and solid built, with a genuine smile that sends those cute little wrinkles to the outer corners of his eyes. He is stylish without being superficial and he always picks out the perfect thing for me to try on when we’re out shopping. He laughs freely… so freely that every worry and insecurity I have gets swept away in it. He always meets my moodiness with patience and mercy. He’s wild, but not destructive. He’s kind, but not a pushover. He’s the perfect amount of jealous that makes me not feel taken for granted, without feeling like he’s trying to own me. He’s chivalrous, but can pick up on when I don’t want or need his help… when I have things handled. My friends love him… and my girlfriends are maybe just slightly in love with him… because he’s the kind of man they didn’t think actually existed. He loves God, but is not religious or judgmental. When he’s going through tough times he draws near to me instead of isolating himself… because he desires to find refuge in me as much as I find it in him. We are equals. We are partners. We are best friends. THAT IS until I have to slam on my breaks because I wasn’t paying attention to the school bus that put its “Stop” sign out. Talk about a buzzkill. It was the best relationship I may never have.

I may not be an expert about many things, but I am without a doubt a daydream connoisseur. It could be about love, travel, death, my future presidential candidacy… anything. I credit it to being an only child which afforded me lots of experience in the art of entertaining oneself. My imaginary loves have changed and evolved over the years. They have been shaped by the music I listen to, the books I read, the men I’ve met over the years, movies I’ve seen, and dreams I’ve dreamt. I’d have to say that my current one is probably the closest to my hearts desire.

I would never say that having an active romantic imagination is a bad thing. It can actually be very beautiful. In times where my heart had been broken, I’ve gone to my imagination to find the fuel I needed to rekindle the fire of hope that had been dowsed by hurt. Being able to let myself even imagine love in the midst of great heartache proved to me that my faith in love had not yet been completely broken. Keeping the faith is half the battle. There is however a trap that you can set for yourself when you invest too deeply in the idea of someone made up primarily of desires or influences. It’s a trap that I believe is setting Generation-Y up for a mighty big failure.

A large percentage of this up and coming generation is being raised in a society ridden with divorce, infidelity, and a general mentality that to not settle means you always need to be looking for the next best thing. This is creating a life in which contentment is a lost art. The dating world has so far evolved into an experience made up of brief encounters. It’s full of quasi-relationships that last the night to fill an immediate need, or to get you through until the real thing comes around. You have porn, the Kardashians, Christian Grey, every good looking entertainer singing or speaking the right words with the right look, and every romance novel in which every woman reaches orgasm EVERY TIME. I mean COME ONEVERY TIME? These things… these people playing a role… these are the influences that create the idea of what our ideal love looks like. I also am convinced that this is why monogamy and the days of marriage are all but dying out.

Our active imagination coupled with pop culture and drive-thru relationships are creating an insatiable appetite that has begun to outweigh faithfulness and fidelity. The idea of fidelity is being replaced with an ongoing curiosity that makes it impossible to ever find contentment in one relationship. If you are always looking for “different” then you will always find it… and there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that except for that it puts you in a very interesting predicament. No matter how fun or exciting it may be, no matter how free you may feel, or how leading such a life feeds your need to rebel or be different, no matter how much we love our promiscuous life and our repertoire of stories that we pull out in a room full of people, at some point in our lives we will have to eventually acknowledge that this whole “catch and release” game of love has become an exhausting venture that will leave us with many stories and little to show for them.

Eventually feeding your curiosity, playing the field, never finding contentment because you’re always searching for something different, or even chasing after your daydreams will lose its luster. One day we all will wake up in the quietness of the morning or the evening, and we’ll know. We’ll know what we’ve always deep down known… that we want to settle down with someone… that sweaty hot lovemaking sessions are no longer as important as finding someone who can love you at your worst. Being in a relationship that is full of adventure and excitement is a wonderful thing, but don’t forget that adventure and fun is nothing without trust. You can find adventure and fun fairly quickly… but trust… trust is built over time and consistency.

In all your imagining.

In all your searching.

In all your excitement.

In all you do.

Remember that one day we all will find that we want to share our moments with a real live person… not the idea of someone. You may be wrapped up in the idea of someone inside your mind… or maybe you’re caught up in the idea of someone you are already with who in reality really isn’t right for you. Whichever it may be, muster up the bravery to tell yourself the truth when it’s time for you to shift your focus… And maybe… Just maybe… Get your head out the clouds.

7 No-Nonsense Tips For The Inexperienced Online Dater

image

1. If you have little to no experience dating (at all), start with the singles that are already around you. If you don’t know how to talk face-to-face with the opposite sex that you already are somewhat familiar with, then trying to chat-it-up with a total stranger is not going to feel natural to you. Have you ever been around someone who is obviously feeling/acting awkward? I have… I’ve also been that person in the past. The awkwardness usually ends up totally distracting you from the pieces of their personality that you may have actually liked! So let yourself get acquainted with the real life people you already have around you, before you get behind a laptop or download the latest dating app. You’ll feel more comfortable with yourself and that will enable more of your personality to shine through… and there’s nothing more attractive than someone that seems comfortable and confident in the way they interact with others!

2. Don’t let cliches or popular opinions push you into online dating when you know you’re not ready. My favorite one is “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!” No. Not really. Actually, not at all! It sends the message that sex is a suitable sub for love… and it’s not. It’s an easy distraction and a quick way to a broken heart. If you know you aren’t ready to date, then don’t. Jumping ahead of yourself can have an effect on you in 2 ways: It can make you super guarded (think the Night’s Watch and the Wall in Game of Thrones) or it’ll leave you super vulnerable. Both are two extremes that you don’t want when dating. You’ll either end up shooting down some great people had you been in the right headspace, or you could end up being taken advantage of by someone… and at the speed of online dating, both can happen at warp speed.

3. Speaking of warp speed… That is the rate at which most people move in online dating! If they want to meet you, they may ask you to “hang out” within the first 5 minutes of messaging you. If they are on there just for hookups, their first sentence to you may be “Hi I really liked your profile! You seem like a great person! I’m horny, wanna come over?”
Yup.
True story.
So pick the pace you feel comfortable at and stick to it until you find someone who you feel right about. Don’t let the fast pace pressure you into quick decisions… or just plain bad ones.

4. You are under no obligation to anyone. You don’t have to respond to every message you get! In fact in may cases it’s ridiculous to try! When I created my first online dating profile, I had over 100 messages from guys within the first 30 minutes of it being live. The craziest part is that I responded to each and ever message… even the ones that just read “Hay Babii”… just because I didn’t want to be rude! I was so precious back then. Some people will be snarky to you if you don’t respond to their advances, or if you don’t respond quick enough, or if you don’t want to meet up fast enough, or if you don’t say “I love you” before even knowing each other’s last names. You don’t owe these strangers anything. Don’t let them make you feel like you do. Quick tip: Just delete any “Hi” messages. Aren’t you worth AT LEAST a sentence?!
Yes. You. Are.

5. Name your terms on your profile and have the most accurate (but flattering) photos up. Deception and misconceptions can happen in the dating world in general, but in my opinion online dating leaves so much more room for this to be common… Catfish has pretty much proven that to be true! In one of my profiles I plainly state that I am not interested in dating men who do drugs and that if they are looking for a booty call that I am not their girl. Those for me are hard boundaries. I kept everything else on my profile lite and fun, but I named my terms. Some people think I’m closing the door on more options, but I see it as keeping the door open for THE RIGHT OPTIONS. Name your terms so you can minimize wasting time. I mean, efficiency is supposed to be one of the bonuses to online dating, right?! Another really important thing to address is photos. One of the major complaints with online profiles is in reference to the accuracy (or lack thereof) of photos. In this selfie driven world, we all know the power of good angles and filters… Instagram is full of them! The best thing you can do for yourself and others is to have at least one photo that is the closest to what you were to look like if they were sitting in front of you. You want to go out with people who see YOU and still want to see you in person, and who aren’t turned off by the fact that you know what you want and aren’t afraid to say it.

6. Don’t go into it only being open to finding love. Be open to making genuine connections! Most people you come in contact with online aren’t going to result in a love connection, but don’t let that detour you from still getting to know people. If two people really enjoy staying in contact with each other even after it’s obvious there’s not romantic connection, then I say try and keep an open mind. All genuine and healthy connection adds more to your life!

7. Have fun! Don’t let the fast pace, reading tons of profiles, or deleting numerous “Hey” messages overshadow all the greatness about online dating… or dating in general. You get to meet new people, learn more about what you like and don’t like, get to have some new experiences, and discover new places! Have fun with that!

Smile, laugh, and be yourself. Love is given more room to thrive when you let yourself interact with the world this way.

Yours Truly, Andrea